Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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