If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
