How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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