i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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