I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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