Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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