He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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