i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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