Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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