she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
