You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
