Jerry, you need to find god
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
