Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
