Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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