So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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