In the future we'll all be gay
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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