in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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