How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
