anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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