She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
