ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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