I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
