I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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