i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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