why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
