can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
