If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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