Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
