considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She's like a pop up book from hell.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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