Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
