Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
