Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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