We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
