Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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