when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I did not marry a roomba.
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