He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
