I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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