I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize