toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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