There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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