the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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