I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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