i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
