I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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