i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
