I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
