i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
