i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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