So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
