I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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