Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
