ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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