i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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