I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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