i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I understand Curling. That high.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
