How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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