i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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