I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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