life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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