she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
