So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
