i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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