just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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