this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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