Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The power of my boobs compel you
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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