white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
