i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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