my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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