Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
