Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
